The twelve most important issues for Parents of Gifted Children

By James T. Webb, Janet L. Gore, Edward R. Amend, and Arlene R. DeVries

Parenting and intellectually curious, high-spirited, often strong-willed child, can be quite challenging at times, as most parents of these children know. Support from others, as well as general guidelines for parenting, can be helpful.

But why are parents so important? First, they have the longest history and the most interactions: they guide a child's development from infant to toddler to preschool years, then from elementary school to the pre-teen and teen years, all the while caring deeply about their child. Parents are with their children many more years than teachers, and they are simply, more influential over time in shaping their children's attitudes, values, motivation, and behaviors in critically important area of life, such learning and relationships with others. Parents know their children better than individuals who have occasional or one-year contact. Most importantly, parents have a strong emotional investment in their children; they care deeply about the education and well being of their children.

Characteristics
There are many academic and emotional traits that describe gifted children, and these characteristics make them uniquely different from other children. For example, most gifted children speak early and use vocabulary that seems advanced for their age, saying, “I'm just annoyed,” rather than, “I'm mad.” They demonstrate a rather amazing memory, often recalling things they saw or did months before; they often learn to read early and can tell others about what they read. Their emotions are strong; they display both great intensity an sensitivity, becoming upset over a perceived slight or injustice, but are also sensitive to the feelings of others. They notice when a parent is having a bad day and may comment on it-or help or empathy. These obvious and remarkable traits are often the first thing parents and others notice about a child, making them aware that the child is unusual. Parents will also notice the depth of thinking and questioning. The sheer number of questions will often try one's patience.
Of these traits, the ones that probably have the biggest day-to-day impact on a gifted child and his or her family, however, are the child's emotional traits-the intensity and sensitivity that are some times referred to as “overexcitabilities.” For example, while most children will be upset by a perceived injustice, a gifted child will be upset to a greater degree. While many children are sensitive to hurt feelings, a gifted child may be upset longer; and again, to a greater degree. Understanding these common traits of gifted children will help parents better understand, support, and guide their children.

Asynchronous Development
Many gifted children show uneven, or asynchronous, development. That is, the child may be quite advanced in one area, such as math or language, but not so advanced or even somewhat “behind” in another area. Commonly, the child's judgment will lag behind the child's intellect. A child may know a lot about dinosaurs, maybe even as much as some experts, but may no know how to voice her opinions in a respectful or tactful way that others can accept. Being “out of sync,” not only with others but also within one's own abilities, can cause difficulties for the child in many life situations. It may be difficult to find friends, to let teachers know the work is too easy, or to understand why it's easy to do math but not be as skilled in other subjects.

Communication
Communication is a fundamental component of all relationships. Because gifted children often have such interest and sensitive feelings, parents may need to be particularly aware and gentle when discussing feelings and behaviors. Avoiding behaviors that inhibit communication, such as giving commands, using sarcasm, interrupting, or denying the child's feelings, will enhance communication. Sometimes, parents criticize the very characteristics and behaviors that are key to being gifted, such as “excessive talking, being too inquisitive, too intense, too sensitive, or too creative.” Criticizing a child for asking too many questions is to tell him he is not acceptable the way he is; he needs to change. Instead, parents should try to answer the child's questions and guide him so that he is able to find answers on his own. Parents find it easier when they create and atmosphere of open communication by being always ready to listen and setting aside special one-on-one times with the child, five minutes a day, or an entire day or weekend. Parents can also monitor their own intense feelings and try to model positive communication techniques.

Motivation
Gifted children are usually curious and motivated about many things, and have many interest; however their enthusiasm for learning may falter for a variety of reasons. Physical, medical, emotional issues, or problems at home such as frequent power struggles can dampen a child's motivation. Some children underachieve to fit in with age-level peers, to get attention, or because the assigned tasks don't seem relevant to them. Parents can encourage children by commenting on their successes, setting appropriate goals, emphasizing the process rather that the final product, and by giving children ownership in the task. By focusing on their interest and strengths, you can help them transfer those skills to other areas.

Discipline
Gifted children, like all children, need limits, but parents should allow choices within those limits. The goal is to help the child learn to make appropriate choices in the future, thus developing self-discipline. House rules must be consistent, enforceable, and allow logical consequences. Expectations should be made clear, conveying a trust that the child will act appropriately. Parents might ask themselves, “How effective is this discipline in the long run? Is it working? What is the effect on the child's self esteem? How will it affect my personal relationship with my child?”

Stress and perfectionism
Gifted children vary in their ability to handle excessive stress and perfectionism. Their intensity and asynchrony means they are often out of step within themselves and with age peers. This may lead to feelings of alienation and internal stress. Children can develop resiliency through practicing various techniques such as physical and mental relaxation, use of humor, keeping a daily journal or diary, and setting appropriate priorities. Many gifted children set unusually high standards for themselves leading to a quest for perfectionism. Parents can help children expect progress, not perfection, and can point out that it takes practice to master new skills, whether it's riding a bike or keyboarding.

Idealism, unhappiness, and depression
Idealism, unhappiness, and depression are all too common occurrences among gifted children. The idealism can lead to cynicism and spark feelings of existential isolation and aloneness when others don't seem to share the same thoughts or feelings. Because these children may not have developed their “emotional intelligence” and because they believe since they are bright they “should” be able to handle difficult situations, it is often necessary for adults in their lives to intervene. Children can learn optimism and resiliency at a young age as they struggle and succeed at appropriately challenging tasks. However, if they feel helpless and despondent, a referral to a mental health professional is necessary. Parents can encourage children to share their feelings by using and emotional temperature reading. “How was your day today on a scale of 1-10?” “Tell me about it.”

Peer relationships
Relating to peers is frequently an issue for most gifted children because their interest and behaviors tend to be different from those of age mates. They require different peers to meet various intellectual, emotional, or athletic needs. The key is to find one “soul mate” with whom they can interact rather than many superficial friends or acquaintances. Children who understand themselves, know their interests and strengths, and can reach out to others like themselves are more likely to feel connected to others and less likely to succumb to peer pressure.

Sibling relationships
In families of gifted children, sibling relationships can be intense. Sibling rivalry often develops when children compete for attention, recognition, or power. Wise parents address these issues by spending special time with each child, avoiding comparisons, refusing to take sides in arguments, and teaching children appropriate problem solving. Fair means treating each child uniquely based on his or her individual needs rather than giving identical items or resources to all the children. Families who work together encourage sibling cooperation.

Values, traditions, and uniqueness
Gifted children, particularly those who are more creative, often challenge traditions and values. When children choose to break family or societal traditions, parents can help them understand the cost-benefit ratio of their actions. It is also important to explore the expressed and unexpressed values in the family and to notice when some traditions may inadvertently inhibit effective family functioning. It is equally important to understand how traditions offer connectivity, comfort, and support for gifted children and their families. All family members can participate in identifying traditions, examining which ones they wish to keep, and which ones they want to discard in favor of creating new traditions.

Parenting a Gifted Child

Parenting a gifted child is like living in a theme park full of thrill rides. Sometimes you smile. Sometimes you gasp. Sometimes you scream. Sometimes you laugh. Sometimes you gaze in a wonder and astonishment. Sometimes you're frozen in your seat. Sometimes you're proud. And sometimes the ride is so nerve-racking, you can't do anything but cry.
Any and all of these reactions are normal, depending on your child and his development. Gifted children are an enormous challenge for parents. These children go through the same developmental stages that other children do, but not in the same way. One part of the child -the cognitive, or thinking, ability- is “older” that the other part parts of the personality. This situation is called “asynchronous development” because the child's intellect is out of “syn” with his less developed emotional, social (and sometimes physical) abilities. Asynchronous development can leave a gifted child, as well as parents or teachers, feeling stymied, frustated, baffled, puzzled, and confused.
Imagine, if you can, that you are five years old, but you can think like a fourth-grader. Where do you find your friends? The five year-olds are too inmature, and the ten-year-olds don't take you seriously. If they want you around at all, it's as sort of mascot, not as a peer. Physically, you can't do the things the fourth-graders can: you can't hit a ball very well; you have trouble riding a two-wheeler; you can't run as fast as they can. No matter how hard you try, you'll always be behind the physical and emotional curve set by your older classmates. It's like being a person who speaks only German and travels to Italy and France. You like being there, but because the language and culture are different, it's hard to be understood and to get what you need.
Gifted children are part of neither one of their so-called peer groups, and they are subject to teasing, put-downs, and ridicule from both children and adults. It's no wonder, then, that they sometimes feel “out-whack,” weird, inept, and angry. Their emotions, already exquisitely sensitivy, are exposed, raw, and tender, and their lack of emotional maturity can make their lives -and yours- a challenge at best and a nightmare at worst.
Gifted children have many wonderful, enjoyable qualities, but when those qualities are combined with emotional and social immaturity, the flip side of those same attributes can look less appealing.

Emotional Outlook

When asked how they're feeling, gifted children who are suppressing their emotions usually say they're “fine,” even when their outward behavior shows clearly that they aren't fine. If they choose to do so, they can disguise their emotions better than most other children.
Gifted children often push their feelings down because they're frightened to show others what's going on in their inner lives. Their feelings are often so intense that the children wonder if they're “normal.” They can feel as if they're holding the ocean in a bottle; they may be afraid that if they take out the stopper, they'll be overwhelmed by the waves -than once they begin to vent their emotions, they won't be able to stop. They fear losing control, and if there's one thing gifted children need, it's a sense of self-control and belonging. So they act as normal and ordinary as possible and tell their parents what they think the parents want to hear. Most of the time, they know precisely what adults want them to say.
Friendship can be problematic. A gifted child may, after long consideration, confide deeply in one friend; that's why the break-up of a friendship can be so devastating. If the friendship falls apart, the child has no outlet for all the emotion previously shared with the lost friend. The child may then grieve deeply or show anger that seems excessive to parents.

Helping Gifted Children Soar
by Carol A. Strip, Ph.D with Gretchen Hirsch

Are Children Smarter Than They Used To Be?

Today's moms and dads have access to much more information about infant and child development that did parents a generation ago. Consequently, there are many children who are products of exceptional parenting. These children have been intellectually stimulated from birth. They've been talked to, read to, and played with. Fortunate children like these have been provided with books, games, puzzles, computer learning, music, and art materials. By the time they enter kindergarten, they can differentiate shapes and colors and understand concepts such as alike and opposite; they know their letters and numbers. They've visited the zoo, the science center, the movies, and the grocery store. They've eaten in restaurants, perhaps both fast food and “white tablecloth” establishments. They may have been taken to dance and musical performances. They may have taken to dance and musical performances. Perhaps they've attended both amateur and professional sports events. They might have been active participants in church suppers or neighborhood picnics and festivals. All of these activities give these children things to talk about and learn from.
Some of these little ones have attended preschool or day care programs that focus on both learning and self-esteem. Their preschool experience may have included children with various disabilities, so they readily accept those who use sign language or wheel chairs. May pre-schoolers have also been exposed to an extended family, whether these people are real kinfolk or their parents' friends. Exposure to other people and groups has enriched these children's lives and prepared them for school.
Their health has been guarded, too. They've seen the pediatrician or clinic health care provider regularly, and since most schools districts require immunization, the majority of students are up-to-date on their shots. They eat healthful foods, get lots of exercise, and have regular bedtimes. All of these help learning.
Although enrichment opportunities are more readily available to middle-class children, lack of money doesn't have to mean lack of opportunity. It may be difficult, but it is certainly possible for lower income families to find these same advantage, and many do. One minority principal with experience in both inner city and suburban schools says it this way: “Sometimes you have to ask for what you need. Let's be honest. Money makes things easier, but there are ways for parents go get what they need for their children

Helping Gifted Children Soar
by Carol A. Strip, Ph.D with Gretchen Hirsch

Will Enrichment Make a Child Gifted?

Children whose life experience has been enriched in many of these ways come to school ready to learn, and they usually excel in the early grades. They are bright, eager, and often socially adept -the public's (and sometimes parents' and teacher') idea of gifted students. But if the adults watch these children for a period of time, they may notice that by the third of fourth grade, some of the children are “leveling out,” -that is, they're performing like most of their chronological peers. They're still very intelligent, but their intellectual ability is now being challenged by more complex material. Although they may have appeared gifted in kindergarten and first grade, it's now evident that they are simply smart children who have had an enriched early childhood and who will excel in the so-called regular classroom.
Gifted children have different situation. These children may also have had careful, loving parenting, although they may or may not received the exceptional opportunities available to families with more resources. But so long as gifted children receive reasonable opportunities to explore, think, and create, their intellectual gifts generally can thrive, sometimes even with relatively little stimulation. Their giftedness is part of the genetic endowment -the potential they brought along with them when they were born. Of course, this needs to be nurtured and encouraged by their parents and others, but it exists by itself.
Introducing children to a wide variety of learning opportunities actually helps identify those who are gifted. For example, suppose a group of young children goes to the museum to look at dinosaur bones. All of the children will be fascinate by the skeletons, but the gifted child may suddenly blurt out hat brontosauruses must have been leaf eaters because they had long necks, just like today's giraffes. The gifted child is able to see relationships and make connections that aren't immediately apparent to other children. Gifted children soak up information rapidly an are usually on a constant, intense quest to learn more -and that intensity might be one of the earliest indicators of giftedness.
Gifted children are often autonomous learners and much of what they learn will be self-taught. Still, they need parents and teachers to guide them, particularly because their intellectual development often outpaces their judgment.
Just as a smart child who is hard worker and a high achiever may be mistakenly identified as gifted, a truly gifted child may be labeled as a troublemaker, a nuisance, a classroom pest, or even suspected of having Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). The bright child may end up in the gifted class, the gifted child in the principal's office, and neither of them is in the right place.
Of course, not every sassy, aggressive, acting-out child is gifted; many gifted children are patient, polite, kind, and helpful. Parents and teachers must observe the child over time to know precisely what they're dealing with.
Smart children may indeed be more sophisticated thinkers that children of prior generations simply because they've had more experiences and been exposed to more information earlier in life. Nonetheless, smart children can be overwhelmed by the rigor and demands of a gifted curriculum. Gifted children, on the other hand, generally thrive in this type of creative and challenging environment. In fact, if they don't receive the stimulation they need for their intellectual and social growth, some gifted students will simply “camouflage” and hide their abilities or let their talents wither and die.

"Helping Gifted Children Soar"
by Carol A. Strip, Ph.D with Gretchen Hirsch

Some general characteristics of Gifted Children

These are typical factors stressed by educational authorities as being indicative of giftedness. Obviously, no child is outstanding in all characteristics.

• Shows superior reasoning powers and marked ability to handle ideas; can generalize readily from specific facts and can see subtle relationships; has outstanding problem-solving ability.
• Shows persistent intellectual curiosity; ask searching questions; shows exceptional interest in the nature of humankind and the universe.
• Has a wide range of interest, often of an intellectual kind; develops one or more interest to considerable depth.
• Is markedly superior in quality and quantity or written and / or spoken vocabulary; is interested in the subtleties of words and their uses.
• Reads avidly and absorbs books well beyond his or her years.
• Learns quickly and easily and retains what is learned; recalls important details, concepts and principles; comprehends readily.
• Shows insight into arithmetical problems that require careful reasoning and grasps mathematical concepts readily.
• Shows creative ability or imaginative expression in such things as music, art, dance, drama; shows sensitivity and finesse in rhythm, movement, and bodily control.
• Sustains concentracion for lengthy periods and shows outstanding responsibility and independence in classroom work.
• Sets realistically high standards for self; is self-critical in evaluating and correcting his or her efforts.
• Shows initiative and originality in intellectual work; shows flexibility in thinking and considers problems from a number of viewpoints.
• Observes keenly and is responsive to new ideas.
• Shows social poise and an ability to communicate with adults in a muture way.
• Gets excitement and pleasure from intellectual challenge; shows an alert and subtle sense of humor.

Gifted children can also be extraordinarily sensitive. They often feel more than other kids their age. They tend to develop emphaty earlier that other children do. They have a social conscience and an intense awareness of the world's problems. They worry about the world, the environment, wars an conflicts, hunger and homelessness. Their emotions are intense and close to the surface.

Along with these many fine qualities can come various problems related to them.

When Gifted kids don't have all the answers, by Jim Delisle & Judy Galbraith