The twelve most important issues for Parents of Gifted Children

By James T. Webb, Janet L. Gore, Edward R. Amend, and Arlene R. DeVries

Parenting and intellectually curious, high-spirited, often strong-willed child, can be quite challenging at times, as most parents of these children know. Support from others, as well as general guidelines for parenting, can be helpful.

But why are parents so important? First, they have the longest history and the most interactions: they guide a child's development from infant to toddler to preschool years, then from elementary school to the pre-teen and teen years, all the while caring deeply about their child. Parents are with their children many more years than teachers, and they are simply, more influential over time in shaping their children's attitudes, values, motivation, and behaviors in critically important area of life, such learning and relationships with others. Parents know their children better than individuals who have occasional or one-year contact. Most importantly, parents have a strong emotional investment in their children; they care deeply about the education and well being of their children.

Characteristics
There are many academic and emotional traits that describe gifted children, and these characteristics make them uniquely different from other children. For example, most gifted children speak early and use vocabulary that seems advanced for their age, saying, “I'm just annoyed,” rather than, “I'm mad.” They demonstrate a rather amazing memory, often recalling things they saw or did months before; they often learn to read early and can tell others about what they read. Their emotions are strong; they display both great intensity an sensitivity, becoming upset over a perceived slight or injustice, but are also sensitive to the feelings of others. They notice when a parent is having a bad day and may comment on it-or help or empathy. These obvious and remarkable traits are often the first thing parents and others notice about a child, making them aware that the child is unusual. Parents will also notice the depth of thinking and questioning. The sheer number of questions will often try one's patience.
Of these traits, the ones that probably have the biggest day-to-day impact on a gifted child and his or her family, however, are the child's emotional traits-the intensity and sensitivity that are some times referred to as “overexcitabilities.” For example, while most children will be upset by a perceived injustice, a gifted child will be upset to a greater degree. While many children are sensitive to hurt feelings, a gifted child may be upset longer; and again, to a greater degree. Understanding these common traits of gifted children will help parents better understand, support, and guide their children.

Asynchronous Development
Many gifted children show uneven, or asynchronous, development. That is, the child may be quite advanced in one area, such as math or language, but not so advanced or even somewhat “behind” in another area. Commonly, the child's judgment will lag behind the child's intellect. A child may know a lot about dinosaurs, maybe even as much as some experts, but may no know how to voice her opinions in a respectful or tactful way that others can accept. Being “out of sync,” not only with others but also within one's own abilities, can cause difficulties for the child in many life situations. It may be difficult to find friends, to let teachers know the work is too easy, or to understand why it's easy to do math but not be as skilled in other subjects.

Communication
Communication is a fundamental component of all relationships. Because gifted children often have such interest and sensitive feelings, parents may need to be particularly aware and gentle when discussing feelings and behaviors. Avoiding behaviors that inhibit communication, such as giving commands, using sarcasm, interrupting, or denying the child's feelings, will enhance communication. Sometimes, parents criticize the very characteristics and behaviors that are key to being gifted, such as “excessive talking, being too inquisitive, too intense, too sensitive, or too creative.” Criticizing a child for asking too many questions is to tell him he is not acceptable the way he is; he needs to change. Instead, parents should try to answer the child's questions and guide him so that he is able to find answers on his own. Parents find it easier when they create and atmosphere of open communication by being always ready to listen and setting aside special one-on-one times with the child, five minutes a day, or an entire day or weekend. Parents can also monitor their own intense feelings and try to model positive communication techniques.

Motivation
Gifted children are usually curious and motivated about many things, and have many interest; however their enthusiasm for learning may falter for a variety of reasons. Physical, medical, emotional issues, or problems at home such as frequent power struggles can dampen a child's motivation. Some children underachieve to fit in with age-level peers, to get attention, or because the assigned tasks don't seem relevant to them. Parents can encourage children by commenting on their successes, setting appropriate goals, emphasizing the process rather that the final product, and by giving children ownership in the task. By focusing on their interest and strengths, you can help them transfer those skills to other areas.

Discipline
Gifted children, like all children, need limits, but parents should allow choices within those limits. The goal is to help the child learn to make appropriate choices in the future, thus developing self-discipline. House rules must be consistent, enforceable, and allow logical consequences. Expectations should be made clear, conveying a trust that the child will act appropriately. Parents might ask themselves, “How effective is this discipline in the long run? Is it working? What is the effect on the child's self esteem? How will it affect my personal relationship with my child?”

Stress and perfectionism
Gifted children vary in their ability to handle excessive stress and perfectionism. Their intensity and asynchrony means they are often out of step within themselves and with age peers. This may lead to feelings of alienation and internal stress. Children can develop resiliency through practicing various techniques such as physical and mental relaxation, use of humor, keeping a daily journal or diary, and setting appropriate priorities. Many gifted children set unusually high standards for themselves leading to a quest for perfectionism. Parents can help children expect progress, not perfection, and can point out that it takes practice to master new skills, whether it's riding a bike or keyboarding.

Idealism, unhappiness, and depression
Idealism, unhappiness, and depression are all too common occurrences among gifted children. The idealism can lead to cynicism and spark feelings of existential isolation and aloneness when others don't seem to share the same thoughts or feelings. Because these children may not have developed their “emotional intelligence” and because they believe since they are bright they “should” be able to handle difficult situations, it is often necessary for adults in their lives to intervene. Children can learn optimism and resiliency at a young age as they struggle and succeed at appropriately challenging tasks. However, if they feel helpless and despondent, a referral to a mental health professional is necessary. Parents can encourage children to share their feelings by using and emotional temperature reading. “How was your day today on a scale of 1-10?” “Tell me about it.”

Peer relationships
Relating to peers is frequently an issue for most gifted children because their interest and behaviors tend to be different from those of age mates. They require different peers to meet various intellectual, emotional, or athletic needs. The key is to find one “soul mate” with whom they can interact rather than many superficial friends or acquaintances. Children who understand themselves, know their interests and strengths, and can reach out to others like themselves are more likely to feel connected to others and less likely to succumb to peer pressure.

Sibling relationships
In families of gifted children, sibling relationships can be intense. Sibling rivalry often develops when children compete for attention, recognition, or power. Wise parents address these issues by spending special time with each child, avoiding comparisons, refusing to take sides in arguments, and teaching children appropriate problem solving. Fair means treating each child uniquely based on his or her individual needs rather than giving identical items or resources to all the children. Families who work together encourage sibling cooperation.

Values, traditions, and uniqueness
Gifted children, particularly those who are more creative, often challenge traditions and values. When children choose to break family or societal traditions, parents can help them understand the cost-benefit ratio of their actions. It is also important to explore the expressed and unexpressed values in the family and to notice when some traditions may inadvertently inhibit effective family functioning. It is equally important to understand how traditions offer connectivity, comfort, and support for gifted children and their families. All family members can participate in identifying traditions, examining which ones they wish to keep, and which ones they want to discard in favor of creating new traditions.